Survivor Stories

I am Sandy and I am 45 years old. I have three children. My husband and I met when we were both in our 20s.  He was my first boyfriend and I fell in love with him quickly.  He was very charming and always spoke to me respectfully. He wanted to be intimate with me soon after we started dating but I was not comfortable.  Eventually, he forced himself on me and I became pregnant.  We decided to get married, I was happy that he was willing to take responsibility.  However, after our daughter was born, he started to change and resented that he had to help take care of the baby. He started coming home late from work saying that he had to work overtime.

After our daughter was born, he started to change and resented that he had to help take care of the baby.

Soon he would travel overseas regularly for work.  On a few occasions, he came home, he was often in a bad mood. We often quarreled about money and about the fact that he was not around most of the time.  During a heated quarrel, he slapped me for the first time.  After that, he apologized and said he would not do it again. Little did I know at that time that it would be the first of many physical beatings throughout our 18 years of marriage.

The physical abuse did not hurt as much as the emotional distress he caused me and our 3 children.  He wanted to control me and the children in every way possible.  He did not allow me to work, have friends or visit my side of the family.  He was overly strict with our children, often shouting at them and caning them for the smallest mistake. Our second and third child grew up in fear and hatred of their father.  They were highly anxious all the time and needed to distract themselves from their pain by indulging in computer games which eventually became an addiction.

People asked me why did not leave my husband much earlier, there were many reasons, the 3 main ones were – love, hope, and fear.  Despite the abuse, I still loved him and wanted him to change.  He always gave me false hopes that he would change. Also, he would threaten me that if I were to leave him, he would make my life hell.  On the practical side, I was afraid I would not be able to provide for my children as I did not have high education or much work experience.

Despite the abuse, I still loved him and wanted him to change. He always gave me false hopes that he would change.

The last straw came when I found out that he had a mistress overseas and they had two children. However, he would not let me leave him, threatening that he would kill himself, but this time I was determined.  I went to seek help from a social worker at the Family Service Centre, who referred my children and me to Star Shelter, a refuge for women and children who are victims of violence.  I am so grateful to be staying in a shelter now.  My children and I feel safe and protected.  I am working in a bakery now and enjoy what I do, I have always been a good baker and cook.  My children no longer live in fear; they are able to enjoy life as children. 

My children no longer live in fear; they are able to enjoy life as children.

Looking back, I think I was too soft-hearted, I kept giving him chances.  No one should raise a hand to anyone, why should anyone be beaten? I regret that my children have suffered because I was too weak to stand up for myself and for them. I hope my story will encourage women who are in abusive relationships to seek help.  No woman should be beaten by the man that she loves. I hope they will learn from my mistakes and find help sooner. There are shelters available for them and their children, there is always a way out.  The shelter has helped me in so many ways, I can finally rebuild a life without violence.

*Note: Some information may be changed to protect the identity of the victim and her children.

I am Donna and I am 35 years old. I have a 10-year-old daughter. At first the abuse was just verbal and psychological. The physical violence began 5 years into our marriage. I applied for a PPO (Personal Protection Order). Every time he got abusive, he would apologise after and promise me that he would change, and I would forgive him.

After so many years of living under that abuse, my self-confidence and self-esteem diminished so much that I didn’t trust myself anymore. My husband had convinced me to take my daughter back to my home country. When I was back home, I could not get a job, so I was reliant on my husband to send money back to us. I had to beg him all the time for money. I felt quite alone and helpless. As months went by, I sensed that something was not right back in Singapore. I sensed that my husband was cheating on me though he denied it. I wanted to believe him.

My self-confidence and self-esteem diminished so much that I didn’t trust myself anymore

After 9 months, I decided to come back to Singapore. When I got to our flat and found her things there, he could not deny the affair. He told me that he had broken up with his mistress and that he wanted us to try again. A few months later, I realised the affair had started again – or maybe it never ended. Maybe I drove him to it again because I had turned into this person who could not believe anything he said, and I’d question his every move.

One night, my husband came home drunk, and I pretended to be asleep. He slammed the door shut and tried to pull the blanket off me. I was really scared. He headbutt me, insulted me, spat on me… and then he took out a swiss pocket knife and held it to my neck. I shouted for help, but the other tenants in the flat did not offer help. I called the police but before the police arrived, he had already fled the house.

A week later, he came back at night and was drunk. Again. I was very frightened, I was scared for my life. But this time he just came to me and hugged me. He kept hugging me and saying he was sorry! He was arrested 2 days later – despite the lack of valid PPO, the matter had become a criminal case because he had threatened me with a knife. He was incarcerated for 6 months at Changi prison.

He just came to me and hugged me.
He kept hugging me and saying he was sorry!

Thankfully, I moved to a shelter and I managed to get my daughter back to Singapore on basis of neglect. I would like to say to women everywhere: the first time you face violence of any form – be it physical, verbal, emotional or psychological – you have to put a stop to it. Don’t think of anything else besides your personal safety. Nobody has the right to hurt another human being.

The first time you face violence of any form – be it physical, verbal, emotional or psychological – you have to put a stop to it.

*Note: Some information may be changed to protect the identity of the victim and her children.

I am Alice and I am 39 years old with a 7-year-old daughter. I walked out of my marriage of 9 nine years. After several attempts, I finally had the courage to do so. I took comfort in the company of a family friend for several days before getting in touch with a social worker, whom later recommended me to Star Shelter (SS).  My mind then was cluttered with uncertainties. “How could I manage to be solely caring for my daughter and working at the same time?” Job opportunities were scarce as I only had LTVP and not to mention, my limited stay here in Singapore. Considering the amount, I am earning, “how long could we survive?” Society would take me as a failure and the idea of a shelter here in Singapore did not even at once occur to me as existing.

My mind then was cluttered with uncertainties: “How could I manage to be solely caring for my daughter and working at the same time?”

SS with its management and staff, along with the services they have extended myself and my daughter has been greatly instrumental in our recovery. I am amazed to see the number of volunteers I have met, who painstakingly devote their time and effort to help us in the simplest of ways such as baby sitting and conducting tuitions, among others.

Waking up each day was a fresh start to make things right and better. As I persistently pursued for a PPO, SS arranged a slot at a legal clinic for me to clear my doubts and informed me of the options available. The 30-minute session with the volunteer lawyer gave me a fresh perspective of my rights for the care and custody of my daughter should the worst case happen. Eventually, my husband stopped contesting and the PPO was granted in my favour.

I find the activities for the kids most beneficial to myself and my daughter. At such a young age, I feel sad that she had to go through a rough time such as this. The piano lessons, Itchy Fingers classes, and music therapy helped her positively cope with the changes and is feeling more emotionally sound. She developed camaraderie among other kids, which made her look forward to getting home early every day.

The upskilling workshop series came in handy when I needed the boost and guidance while applying for a full-time position in my present company. As the HR staff was present during the first workshop, I was able to gather tips on how to build an effective resume and how to prepare for interviews. The second workshop, which dealt with mindfulness and resilience, reminded me that there are forces and circumstances beyond my control. How I respond to that situation sets the difference.

Participating in the art therapy sessions has led me to experience a creative form of expressing art to improve my physical, mental and emotional well-being. The sessions aided in my healing process as each week, I gained a deeper understanding of my inner self and thought process. My art works serve as a reminder of my identity. I forgave myself in the process, let go of the bitter chapter, and had a more optimistic view moving forward.

I forgave myself in the process, let go of the bitter chapter, and had a more optimistic view moving forward.

Lastly, my recovery wouldn’t be as effective if not for my weekly face-to-face counselling sessions. My circumstance had overwhelmed me at first that I fail to know where to start. My counsellor facilitated a safe and confidential environment for me to discuss my issues. I was able to explore my own thoughts freely with an unbiased party.

I could never thank the staff enough for welcoming us at SS with such warmth and hospitality. We could never have overcome our struggles if not for their genuine support. They made us feel that we could belong and that in due time, we could put back all the pieces of our broken lives in place. I felt the relief that on the day I moved in, the security on duty welcomed me by asking to see husband’s photo. I knew and felt I am right where I am supposed to be and had the soundest sleep that night. I am grateful for all the assistance extended to me and my daughter by SS. I know that I am in a safe and secured place whereby I could objectively evaluate and make rational judgement calls. I am positive that I could come out as a more empowered woman, able to support others in the future.

I knew and felt I am right where I am supposed to be and had the soundest sleep that night.

*Note: Some information may be changed to protect the identity of the victim and her children.